Every now and then I’ll see a sequel to a movie and think- “Oh, I didn’t think that movie was popular enough to get a sequel.” Sometimes it’s a good thing and sometimes it’s a bad thing, and then other times you lose a little faith in humanity.

Dammit Milla Jovovich, stop parading around in those unpractical outfits! There are zombies about!

The Resident Evil game franchise started out as a simple horror game and although it was never really praised for its story, it was always fun to play. I will admit that even now that the games have taken a turn away from the horror genre (they aren’t still trying to be scary right?) I still play them, especially with friends.

Then one day, powerful movie producers were bored one day and decided to make Resident Evil into a movie, I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Stupid movie producer A: You know what’s popular right now? Zombies!

Idiot movie producer B: Yeah, zombies! You know what else, we can have a hot lady be the main protagonist so we have a hot lady for the dudes to ogle and a “strong female protagonist” for the ladies.

Moron movie producer C: Yeah yeah, this is really good. Alright good think tank today, who wants to come volunteer at the soup kitchen with me today?

……

All: *Break out into laughter and proceed to roll around in money.*

He is going to make a stripper very happy.

Seriously though, I really hate these movies. My brother once described them as bad fan-fiction and I find that very apt. If case you have somehow made it to this website without ever running into fan fiction let me give you the lowdown, a type of very bad typical fan fiction is self insertion where the author inserts them self into the story. This can include making oneself more powerful than the canon characters, from my young internet days I can remember that the popular abilities were pyrokinesis or just psychic in general. Now that you know that let us take a look at the resident evil movies.

The Resident Evil movies (try to) follow the basic story, Umbrella unleashed a zombie virus and is therefore evil and must be stopped. They contain all the characters from the video games except for one new main protagonist, Alice…

In case you weren’t forced to watch the movies, this is Alice setting a flock of evil, zombie birds on fire… WITH PYROKINESIS

Who just so happens to be stronger than all the other characters and (OH LOOK AT THAT, SHE) has pyrokinesis.

I’m not mad at these movies for messing with the Resident Evil story because with all the T,G, STD viruses going around I don’t really keep up, I’m mad at these movies because they are bad and they should feel bad.

I’ll just leave this here for those who I might’ve offended with this blog

-Karinacus, who would rather see ParaNorman instead.

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One response »

  1. captainlazy says:

    God, I don’t even know what they’re doing anymore. And I don’t /want/ to know, omg.

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